The Both-And Life
As I bump into another birthday, my ongoing prayer is to live full out for the glory of God. But full-out living hurts. I often hide in a half-life to avoid pain, even if it means missing out on joy.
I don’t want to swing on a dizzying pendulum from Doom-and-Gloom Eeyore to Happy-Bouncy Tigger. It’s not one or the other. It’s both. Sometimes at the same time. And it’s messy.
How do I embrace this “Both-And” life of joy and sorrow?
The people I’m most drawn to choose the Both-And life. They live with resilience, curiosity, gratitude, humility, honest lament, and joy. Lightness. They live out the line from Steel Magnolias, “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”
Every few years, I pull out Henri Nouwen’s Can You Drink the Cup? In this powerful little book, published before his death 30 years ago, he explores the deep question Jesus asked the ambitious James and John. “Can you drink the cup? Can you empty it to the dregs? Can you taste all the sorrows and joys? Can you live your life to the full whatever it will bring?”
This may feel like a book report as I quote Nouwen, but this is for the people (especially me) who need the courage to stay in a Both-And life.
This “cup” of life has to be held with two hands of sorrow and joy. Nouwen writes of holding (clearly seeing our unique lives), lifting (sharing our lives in community), and drinking the cup (trusting God fully without conditions or guarantees).
We can’t do it alone.
Nouwen writes, “So often we are inclined to keep our lives hidden. . . . When we dare to lift our cup and let our friends know what is in it, they will be encouraged to lift their cups and share with us their own anxiously hidden secrets. The greatest healing often takes place when we no longer feel isolated by our shame and guilt and discover that others often feel what we feel and think what we think and have the fears, apprehensions, and preoccupations we have.”
We default to distractions.
Nouwen writes about this before there was the internet, streaming services, and 24/7 phone addiction. “The sorrows of our lives often overwhelm us to such a degree that we will do everything not to face them. Radio, television, newspapers, books, film, but also hard work and a busy social life all can be ways to run away from ourselves and turn life into a long entertainment. Entertainment is everything that gets and keeps our mind away from things hard to face. Entertainment keeps us distracted, excited, or in suspense. . . when we start living our lives as entertainment, we lose touch with our souls and become little more than spectators in a lifelong show.” My current distractors are New York Times word games, Audible books, and Brit Box crime shows. What are yours?
Nouwen’s question resonates with me.
“Who are we when there is nothing to keep us busy?”
How would you answer?
The yeses get harder.
“John and James had not the faintest idea of what they were saying when they said yes. . . Their first easy yes had to be followed by many hard yeses until their cups were completely empty. . . Yes, they wanted power and influence, but beyond that they wanted to stay close to Jesus at all costs. . . Each time they had to make the choice again. Did they want to stay with Jesus or leave? Did they want to follow the way of Jesus or look for someone else who could give them the power they desired?”
These are some ways I choose to live the Both-And life:
Stay in my story, my cup, and not compare it to others. Trust God who holds me and my cup.
Keep my little story in context of the Big Story and remember how it will end. “All Shall Be Well.”
What can I do but love? Locally and concretely. In community, in our church, and in my calling.
Pay attention and clap at all the amazing beauty all around me. Like the amazing “Love-in-a-Mist” flower above.
Laugh (and weep) at inappropriate times.
Cultivate deep relationships so I can answer yes to Nouwen’s question:
Do we have a circle of trustworthy friends where we feel safe enough to be intimately known and called to an always greater maturity?”
One of my favorite movie lines of all times is from My Best Friend’s Wedding. At the end of the movie, when the girl loses the boy and life seems hopeless, a friend comes and acknowledges her loss and pulls her onto the dance floor. “Life goes on. Maybe there won’t be marriage…but by God, there’ll be dancing.”
How can we help pull each other onto the dance floor?